‘My mind is racing As it always will’

My mind is racing
As it always will
My hand is tired my heart aches
I’m half a world away here

– R.E.M. Half a World Away

I feel like writing poetry, not a blog post, but I haven’t written poems since college, when every little drama meant the end of the world.

I try to keep perspective now, but it actually isn’t really any easier than when I was younger and had only lived half the life I have lived.   I think at any age or stage of life, the things that seem most important are most important, to you anyway.

I may hear someone complain about an increase in their rent.  That is the most important thing.  Someone else moans about an ex-lover’s impending nuptials.  That is the most important thing.  I complain about money, seems to be the most important thing.  You are ill from your chemo, the most important thing.

When I talk about perspective, I almost want to mock myself.  How can you keep perspective, really… You have only lived your own life;  no one else’s. So the obstacles others face are completely abstract to you.  And in our minds it isn’t any easier for us, for them, for you.  When you were 14 and the kids picked on you, was that any easier than being laid off from a job at 32?

This blog post changed direction somewhere.  Oh well.

I want to be empathetic, but tend to just end up pathetic.  I want to be selfless and end up being self-serving.  I want to be so much more, but, so easily overwhelmed, end up being barely enough.  I keep thinking it will change, but it doesn’t.  And the problem is there.  I think it will change.  I think some force will intervene and change the course.  But you know that isn’t true.  The course changes when I turn the steering wheel.  I just need to get past the learner’s permit stage, right?

I’m looking for an interruption,
Can you believe?
Some medicine for my headache
Hooray hooray hip hip hooray
I’m pitching for a new direction
Pinch me when I wake
Don’t tell me my dreams are fake
You leave me to lay, you touch me deep,
I don’t sleep, I dream
I’ll settle for a cup of coffee, but you know what I really need

-R.E.M.  I Don’t Sleep, I Dream